The Consequences of Not Feeling

Most men have been rewarded for not feeling

Men often have an experience before they have an understanding of it. An event may prompt a man to feel a vague sense of discomfort, but it will only be made truly meaningful once he understands the precise emotions that were elicited. For example, being publicly reprimanded by your boss may make you feel uneasy, but understanding that the feeling was shame will equip you with greater knowledge and guide you about what to do next.   

Ideally all men would have learned how to identify what they’re feeling, but often the opposite is true. Most men have been rewarded for not feeling. They have received messages early in life, both overtly and covertly, that displaying emotions undermines other masculine ideals like strength and stability. These messages are often given by an important male figure in the boy’s early life, such as his father. The risk of appearing non-masculine and betraying this male figure is likely too great of a consequence, so he learns that emotional expression must be abandoned. These messages continue to be reinforced throughout childhood and adolescence. Once in adulthood, the consequences of not feeling become most noticeable in the domains of friendships, romantic relationships, work performance, and the use of unhelpful, short-term fixes. Thankfully, therapy provides solutions to these dilemmas.  

Friendships

Most men state that their most important friendships are with other men. When both men have been told not to feel, the friendship may be restricted to participating in hobbies or discussing sports or politics. These relationships can provide a degree of satisfaction, but they do not often provide a context to share the richness of emotional lives that most men crave.

Romantic Relationships

Men are often criticized for not being fully present in their romantic relationships. Whether it is with a girlfriend or a spouse, a man’s inability to feel emotions is often perceived as disengagement or disinterest by his partner. When disagreements arise and a resolution is needed, most partners want to know what the man feels and how to avoid a similar disagreement in the future. When men cannot label what they feel, repairing romantic relationships becomes problematic.

Work Performance

Professional success is quantified by outcomes, not intent. Since being successful at work is a value held by most men, they understand that a measurable goal must be achieved.  The culture of many companies privileges masculine ideals and reinforces the idea that it doesn’t matter what you feel, as long as you reach the goal. When emotional inhibition is seen as necessary for success, it is no wonder that some men feel dissatisfied with their professional lives and wish to be more fulfilled in their occupation.  

Unhelpful, Short-Term Fixes

It is an enticing idea that denying an emotion will make it disappear, but it doesn’t work. Avoiding a feeling will only make that feeling grow over time. Many men know it is unreasonable to expect an emotion will evaporate if avoided, but they also don’t know how to get unstuck. The map out of the stuck place is confusing and the undesired emotion must be quelled somehow. Therefore, men commonly adopt a set of behaviors to compensate for their inability to feel emotions. A variety of numbing behaviors, like alcohol use, sexual activity, or over reliance on technology, provide momentary relief from these painful emotions. Relief does occur, but the brevity of the fix often leaves men feeling even more stuck than when they started.

How to Feel Better

These consequences do not have to be permanent. There are steps that men can take to regain the power and confidence they lost by neglecting emotions. Individual therapy and men’s group therapy are powerful mediums that can help men feel better. However, it’s important that men find a therapist who is knowledgeable of men’s issues. I’ve maintained a focus on men’s issues in research and clinical practice because I believe that men find more success in therapy when their therapist is well-acquainted with these ideas. Learn more here about how therapy with men is different and or schedule an initial phone consultation here.

Real Change Takes Real Time

pursue long-term growth, not quick fixes.

Whenever a friend tells me that they’ve started long-term therapy, I feel proud and excited. I am proud that they have courageously sought to explore feelings that were once too scary to share with someone else, and excited that they will grow in understanding and insight.

Sometimes these friends return in a few weeks and ask me the same two questions: “Why doesn’t my therapist give me advice?” and “Why aren’t my problems fixed in four sessions?” My response to both questions is the same, “Because real change takes real time.”  

I admit that the lure of a short-term fix is intoxicating. The promise of immediate results has become endemic to our culture. We are guaranteed to lose 15 lbs. in 10 days and become a millionaire by the weekend if we act now! These claims are unsuccessful because they are made irrespective of important considerations like process and value. We know that there is a trustworthy process we must follow to lose weight or save money, and neither can be completed overnight. These short-term schemes that value immediacy over other qualities, like commitment and patience, fail because they have a flawed understanding of how change happens. Lasting growth is created by first understanding the processes of change, trusting and committing to these processes, and then reaping the hard-fought rewards like increased awareness and improved relationships.

It is for these reasons why therapists who value long-term growth will refrain from offering advice. Advice is a short-term fix, a Band-Aid that will be sufficient for a minor cut but inadequate for a deep wound. When therapy is relegated to advice giving or highly directive statements (“do this, don’t do that”), the process of change is stifled. Change must entail exploring what elements of the past are influencing current behavior, not simply obeying what a therapist tells you to do.

Therapy that enables lasting change will also necessarily be longer than four (or six, or eight) sessions. I wish this wasn’t the case. Most clients wish this too. We both wish that acquiring awareness didn’t require weeks of work, both inside and outside the therapy room. We wish that there was a wonder pill, a steroid that would accelerate growth and enable a quick erasure of anxiety. But this solution isn’t viable. Just like a fad diet that helps you shed water weight but does little to impact the core of the problem, the benefit of quick-fix therapy is often short-lived.

At first glance, this picture of long-term therapy looks pretty bleak. Who would want to commit to a long-term investment if a short-term fix would suffice? Thankfully, decades of psychological research and practice have confirmed that long-term therapy produces long-term growth. The vehicle to long-term change is not a quick fix, but a trusting, collaborative relationship with a therapist who enables safe exploration of thoughts, feelings, desires, and behavior.

The notion that real change takes real time has been a foundation of my clinical practice. I have witnessed many clients invest in this process and enjoy the lasting impact of long-term therapy. If you're interested in learning more about my approach to therapy, learn more here. You can also call for a free phone consultation or book an appointment here.

How Does Therapy Help?

Effective therapy involves Three Components

We only invest in a process if we know how it is going to help. We buy a Blue Apron membership because we know it’ll ease the burden of cooking, and we pay a mechanic to fix squealing brakes because we know they are necessary to drive a car. But many of us do not start therapy because we don’t know how it actually helps.    

Even though we don’t know how therapy helps, we intuitively know when something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Just like squealing brakes that will not repair on their own, past trauma, broken relationships, and feelings like anger and shame will continue to negatively impact us until we seek help.  

The prescription for effective therapy involves three components: providing insight and new experiences within the context of a therapeutic relationship.

Insight is knowing what we feel, what we do, and why we do it. We often know when something feels bad, even though we can’t determine why we feel that way. Or, we find ourselves caught in repetitive cycles of doing what we don’t want to do. We may spend a lot of time thinking of solutions on our own, but it’s hard to independently gain insight. Therapy helps because it involves discovering fresh perspectives on persistent problems.

Therapy also provides an environment to create new experiences. Many of us are stuck in old patterns we have learned in childhood: don’t feel angry, don’t have needs, figure things out on your own. These messages become fixated in adulthood and negatively impact our identity and relationship with others. Like a laboratory where discoveries are made, therapy is a space to create new experiences that can be transferred into our everyday lives.  

Finally, therapy helps when it is delivered in the context of a collaborative, empathic relationship. Insight and new experiences are important, but long-term change is achieved in the context of a therapeutic relationship. Without the context of a relationship, therapy is like reading a self-help book; it may provide some momentary help, but you are left craving a deeper connection to help understand your problem.

The mission of Chicago Collaborative Psychotherapy is to create lasting change. Through years of conducting therapy, I have found that these three components are necessary to reach this goal. If you are interested in learning more, call me for a free phone consultation or learn more about how to find a good therapist.  

Jay-Z Thinks You Should Start Therapy

If there is a blueprint to success, Jay-Z is the chief architect. He is one of the best-selling musicians of all time who masterfully delivers rhymes about his personal experiences. His music is confessional and unapologetic, whether he is talking about growing up in the housing projects of Brooklyn or defying barriers to become the richest hip-hop musician in the world.

After a highly public elevator incident in 2014, speculation arose about infidelity. Three years later, he addressed these rumors in the release of the 4:44 album. In consistent form from his early career, he used this album to share intimate details of his personal life, including allusions to attending therapy.

In an interview with the editor of the New York Times, Jay-Z was asked outright, “This album sounds to me like a therapy session. Have you been in therapy?” In his unmistakable Brooklyn accent, he immediately, confidently replies, “Yeah yeah.”

He shares how therapy led to greater awareness as to how he shutdown emotions in order to survive painful childhood events, such as his father’s absence. He credits therapy with understanding how men who raised him hid their emotions in order to protect themselves from being perceived as wounded or weak. “You have to survive...so you shut down all emotions… you can’t connect. And all things happen from there.”

He details how learning to suppress emotions robbed him of happiness, even at the height of his professional success. “I was hiding,” he states. “The strangest thing a man can do is cry. To expose your feelings, to be vulnerable to the world? That’s real strength. You feel like you have to be this guarded person. That’s not real. That’s fake.” He offers these insights in a celebratory tone, as if he is finally freed from false childhood messages about what a man should be.

As the interview concludes, his attitude is hopeful. “The next chapter is (knowing) the most beautiful things are not objects. The most beautiful things are inside.” He cites his friendships, his relationship with his mother, and the growth he has achieved in therapy as evidence for this claim. He speaks with the assuredness of someone who has worked hard to understand the influence of his past and is enjoying the freedom of arriving on the other side.

Jay-Z’s experiences are common for many men. If you are interested in learning how you could benefit from therapy, call me for a free phone consultation or schedule an appointment here.

How Do I Find a Good Therapist?

A good therapist was twice as effective as ANy antidepressant medication.

The decision to start therapy is not taken lightly. Some individuals feel unsure about starting therapy, feeling hopeful that it can help and cautiously concerned about revisiting old wounds. Once ambivalence clears and the firm decision to begin therapy is made, the looming question remains: How do I find a good therapist?

Many start with consulting online listing sites, but our technology-driven culture does not help ease this complicated task. We have become accustomed to opening an app, being bombarded with options, and making a decision in seconds. This process is repeated, whether it’s swiping through a list of potential dating partners or scoping reviews for a restaurant. However, finding a good therapist is different from researching a brunch spot and requires a more thoughtful method.  

This process becomes even more difficult when we consider how therapy is different from other healthcare services. Imagine you are enjoying a perfect weekend on the ski slopes until you meet the wrong side of the pine tree. You come to find out you need surgery to repair your ACL. You would prefer that your surgeon is empathetic and genuine, but you ultimately need her to perform the surgery well. Personality characteristics are secondary to her main job of repairing your ACL.

In psychotherapy, personality characteristics are at the forefront of the healing process. Decades of research confirms that the relationship between the therapist and the client is the tool that creates good outcomes in therapy, even more so than the therapist’s technique or experience [1]. When these conditions are met, the results are astounding. A summary of research shows clients believed a good therapist was twice as effective as any FDA approved antidepressant medication [2].

So what factors make for a good therapist? Findings are resolute that good experiences in therapy are dependent on a therapist’s strong relational qualities [3]. An effective therapist must display empathy, or a continual effort to compassionately understand, in order to help a client recognize their own feelings. Reduction in depressed mood, enhanced self-esteem, and increased insight are all direct byproducts of an empathetic therapist [4].

In addition to empathy, good therapists demonstrate genuineness. These therapists relate to their clients authentically and transparently, understanding them as real people and not as a list of complaints to be cured. Genuineness enhances the relationship between therapist and client, which in turn enhances the client’s progression toward goals. Clients who reported improvement in therapy believed that their therapist’s genuineness was the most important aspect of the treatment [5].

Finally, a good therapist will be able to identify when the client's goals aren't being met. Better outcomes prevail when clients and therapists address ways in which therapy isn’t working and seek to correct this process [6]. Good therapists will also seek to repair conflicts with clients. Therapy can also be an emotionally taxing experience where misunderstandings occasionally emerge. Therapists who address these instances and explore ways to correct them create better therapeutic outcomes than therapists who avoid discussing them [7].

The type of therapy offered at CCP strives to model these qualities. Learn more about the services provided here or schedule an appointment here.

[1] Luborsky et al. (1986) [2] Turner, Matthews, Linardatos, Tell, & Rosenthal (2008) [3] Keenan & Rubin (2016) [4] Watson, McMullen, Prosser, & Bedard (2011) [5] Curtis, Field, Knaan-Kostman, & Mannix (2004) [6] Safran, Muran, & Eubanks-Carter (2011) [7] Ibid