The Good-Enough Father

Authored by Alyssa Strenger, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist

Almost three years ago my dad was throwing me around under the stars at my wedding dance like he was a professional swing dancer. My initial shock quickly faded into a giddy trust, and I allowed my dad to toss me in the air without fear or hesitation knowing my Dad would catch me. He did.

Researchers have highlighted the role of fathers as much more than secondary parents or babysitters. Dads are essential for the emotional, social, and physical development of their children, and perfection is not required; just be good-enough. Children of involved fathers have higher levels of confidence and motivation as well as improved thinking skills and social adeptness. These characteristics are nurtured through the secure attachment children have with their fathers, knowing that if he throws them in the air he will catch them. Secure attachment allows children to feel safe when frightened or uncomfortable, feel confident enough to explore their world knowing dad has their back, and learn to accept and tolerate their emotions.1

The good news is that developing a secure attachment is more intuitive than one might think. Dads are just as biologically prepared to care for their infants as mothers. In fact, the bonding hormone oxytocin has also been found to increase in men’s brains after the birth of a child and is linked to more active parenting behaviors.2 So knowing you were made for this, here are four ways to strengthen the father-child bond.

First, remember that spending time with your child is about quality and consistency. Even if you are a dad who works full time, setting aside some quality time every day to be present with your child will have an immeasurable impact. Play with your children, read to them, follow them on adventures, or have Saturday breakfast dates. It does not matter what you do, it just matters that you show up.

Second, have conversations with your child. Take time to ask specific, open-ended questions about the day (e.g., What did you do on your play date with Sam? How’s your volleyball serve coming along? What’s been hard?). Let your child see that you are curious about the little things. Believe it or not, you are more valuable than the screens they are looking at!

Third, show affection to your child. Vocalize your love over and over again, even when all you get in response is a tired, “I knoooooowwww, Dad.” Give the hugs, the kisses, and the hair tussles. Provide descriptive praise and affirmation for the budding person and not just the accomplishments (e.g. You felt nervous to go to the dance but you still went—that was brave. You got your sister’s bottle when I asked you to—that was so helpful!)

Last, allow yourself to be good-enough not perfect. You can’t catch ‘em all, and the adequately prepared child needs an occasional fall—except if you’ve tossed her in the air, then try to catch her. All your child needs for you to be is good-enough.

1Hoffman, K., Cooper, G., & Powell, B. (2017) Raising a Secure Child. The Guilford Press: New York, New York.

2https://fatherhood.global

Therapy with Men is Different (and why this matters)

Therapy with men is different. Choosing a therapist who understands these differences matters.

My interest in men’s issues began while working at a community mental health agency. I was the only male therapist on staff which meant any male client who requested a male was automatically matched with me. I became curious about some recurring themes I heard in the therapy room. My training at this agency eventually concluded, but my interest in men’s issues persisted.

I joined the U.S. Navy as an active duty psychologist to continue to provide mental health services to men. My experiences in the Navy have shown me that there are common beliefs men have regarding seeking therapy.

“I should be able to do it on my own.”

Most men arrive to a therapist’s waiting room with ambivalence. They have been instructed to be ruggedly individualistic since childhood, and when this fails, they are at a loss as to how to solicit help. The therapeutic process is fundamentally about collaboration and recognition rather than individualism. Journeying with men while they understand their psychological needs for relationships can be a highly curative factor.

“Behavior should be valued over feelings.”

Most men are socialized to believe that feelings are unproductive. They may rhetorically ask, “Why feel sad? Sadness over a loss will not undo the loss.” In these instances, therapy can be helpful to understand flexible emotional expression. While feeling sadness is not going to undo a loss, feeling sad may help unresolved grief.

“I don’t have a problem feeling emotions. I get angry all the time.”

Anger is an emotion that some men are not afraid to feel because it propels them toward action. Inaction is often avoided by men as it can be associated with weakness, indecisiveness, or other traits stereotypically opposed to what they believe a man should be. Therapy illuminates how other emotional processes can also promote action, such as approach instead of avoidance after experiencing shame.

 “I’ve tried therapy before but I ended before I felt better.”

Men have historically lower rates of mental health seeking behavior than their female counterparts. They may also end therapy prematurely when compared to women. This unfortunate reality may be reduced if men are informed about the process of therapy from the beginning. Reminding men that participating in therapy may elicit conflict with earlier messages they’ve received about masculinity (e.g.., that it’s difficult to relinquish control and vulnerability is not weakness) can help to improve success in therapy.

If you've recognized some of these statements, schedule a free phone consultation here or learn more about my approach and credentials here.